Sunday, May 18, 2014

Facebook--I'll admit...It's a Skosh Snarky...



I’ve been on the book of face for 7 years now.  And, having been ‘there’ for some time, I have noticed a few minor annoyances over the years that I’d like to explore this lazy Sunday morning.  And, let me be clear at the outset, that no friend of mine on Facebook in particular has done this.  Grant actually spurred my thinking of it after an exchange he bore witness to, but in which he was not implicit.  I am not referring to any one person on my friends list.*

And, don’t get me wrong--I’m a big booker.  Huge.  I love the instant access to long distance family photos.  I love the convenience of sharing photos of my family.  I’m old enough, that when Grant was little—I was getting film developed (I know!  Crazy, right?!?), requesting “double prints,” and dispatching hand written letters/cards with the latest photos.  Facebook, by comparison, is like…magic--real and actual Harry-Potter-with-a-wand-shouting-Expecto-Patronum-magic (nobody is ever too old for Harry Potter). 

And, like the unreal world of Hogwarts, Facebook has its Professor Trelawneys whom have been lovingly (or not so lovingly) dubbed ‘vaguebookers’.  What is a vaguebooker, you ask?  Let’s use good ol’ Trelawney as an example.  If Professor Trelawney were to have a Facebook, I imagine her “status updates” would look something like this:

Professor Trelawney:   So sad to learn that someone will be leaving the school FOREVER come Easter!  Boo!  Super bummed!!

Or:

Professor Trelawney:  Omg!  You guys will NEVER believe this.  No.  It’s better not to even say.  Don’t ask me.  But, let me just say:  Holy Sh*t!

Or:

Professor Trelawney:  Death Omens for certain people.  Fo real, yo!  Death!

And, how might people respond to such exclamatory non-announcements?  

Professor Trelawney:  It’s closer than ever…you better watch your back…it’s stalking towards you!  Growing ever closer!
Harry Potter:  What, exactly, is coming for whom?
Ronald Weasley:  Bloody hell....
Harry Potter:  Professor?
Hermione Granger:  Professor?  I think we’re all waiting for you to explain…
Neville Longbottom: *gulps*
Draco Malfoy:  LOLS…I bet this is about Potter…hahahaha…IGNF!
Harry Potter:  Shut up, Malfoy! 
Ronald Weasley:  Friggin’ Slytherins.  What do you expect?
Professor Trelawney:  One word:  Grim.
Hermione Granger:  What does that even mean?  You and this “grim” sh*t.  Seriously.  Enough!
Professor Trelawney:  The Fates have informed me!
Hermione Granger:  *snorts* Well, honestly, everyone…since the FATES have informed her…*rolls eyes*…

And, with the breakneck pace of dueling wizards:  click, click—unfriended, blocked.

How does this function in real Facebook life?  Maybe it’s a status update like this:

Narcissa:  Dude!  You guys don’t even know!  The worst thing EVER just happened to me!
Caring:  Are you ok?
Concerned:  What happened?
Knowing:  Omg…I heard.  *hugz*
Concerned:  What?
Narcissa:  Thanks, Knowing.  You’re sweet.  :)
Concerned:  Seriously!  What happened!  WTF?!?!?
Annnd…Caring & Concerned are met with:

*crickets*

Now…let’s look at this logically: 

Let’s try for a quick little moment to think of Facebook as a conversation, shall we?  So, in person, suppose you were to walk up to a group of friends and exclaim:

You:  Oh my GOD!  You guys!  The worst thing ever just happened to me!
Caring:  What happened?
You:  *poker face* 
Concerned:  Are you ok?  What happened? 
You:  *avoids eye contact*
Caring:  Are you ignoring us?  What the heck…
Knowing:  Oh, you poor thing.  I heard.
You & Knowing:  *embrace*
Caring:  What is going on?  Do you not hear me?
Concerned:  Do you not see me standing here?
Caring:  HELLLLOOOOO?

I feel like, were this scenario to perpetrate itself with any regularity (ie--more than once) in the “real” world, you would be about as liked as the "proverbial turd in the punch bowl".  
(sorry…couldn’t resist the Idaho Gubernatorial debate reference…because…well…that’s solid gold right there)
But do it on Facebook and it’s all good.

Look, I get it.  Perhaps you don’t want all the friends on your friend list to know certain things.   It might be uncomfortable if you explained:


Ie: 
You:  Oh my GOD!  You guys!  Some people are just absolutely disgusting.  The worst thing ever just happened to me!
Current Crush:  What happened?
You:  I got hammered, slept with a coworker in the copy room, and now…well…Hello, Chlamydia!
Current Crush:  *runs for the hills*

Or, perhaps you’re attempting to passive aggressively lash out at one of the friends on your list. Except that, you don’t want to actually call them out, as there could be personal or professional ramifications if you did so.  And, yet, at the same time (keep up with me here, people!), you actually are hoping they know it’s them you’re calling out.  But, if you actually admitted the target, it could be disastrous:

Ie:

You:  You suck.  You absolutely effing SUCK!
FB friend:  Who sucks?
You:  Janice!  We got drunk at the Christmas Party…yada, yada, yada…HELLO, Chlamydia!
Boss:  You & Janice?  Fired.  Effective immediately.  Shit canned.

So instead dealing with the ramifications of honesty, you simply ignore anyone asking for clarification to the pronouncement you essentially made TO them (see how this is kinda weird?).  Now, when this actually happens on Facebook, we’re annoyed.  But, we can’t actually express said annoyance because, what if your horrible day is a result of your dog dying?  How unkind would we feel to point out how annoying we find your vaguebooking amid what might be real and actual personal turmoil?  Although, it seems that when there actually IS a pet death, people simply say so.

My advice?  More specifically, my unasked for and perhaps totally undesired advice?  If you don’t want everyone to know what is ACTUALLY going on, then—and I know this sounds totally unhinged—maybe just don’t announce it.  And, if your motives are passive aggressive—just go ahead and take the leap from passive aggressive to straight-up aggressive, gather the gumption (you can do it, sport!), put on your big girl panties, and just say it.  Sometimes people suck.  Maybe if they knew they’d be called out in a public forum, they’d be gentler with their words and actions.  Or, don’t call them out.  But, the whole sort-of saying it while maintaining total deniability?  It seems a little prepubescent.

Now, I must go as I’m on the brink of having something very important go down.  It’s so vital to my very existence, and so important that I wanted you all to know the minute it became clear that it may or may not happen.  Why?  Because I love you.  Yeah, you heard me, you big goof.  I.  Love.  You.  So much, in fact, that I wanted you to know immediately that stuff might or might not be happening in my general vicinity that is HUGE and completely announcement worthy.  Because, gosh, my people, I am almost certainly, totally, and yet only maybe, completely at least a teensy bit over the moon.   

Wait!

What?

Exactly.    


*or maybe it is precisely aimed at one of you…and this whole blog is an exercise in irony**
**I’m kidding!  C’mon!  2 martinis and I tell everyone precisely what I think of everything.  I’m no good at sneaky insinuations***
***Truly!