I’ve been on
the book of face for 7 years now. And,
having been ‘there’ for some time, I have noticed a few minor annoyances over
the years that I’d like to explore this lazy Sunday morning. And, let me be clear at the outset, that no
friend of mine on Facebook in particular has done this. Grant actually spurred my thinking of it after an
exchange he bore witness to, but in which he was not implicit. I am not referring to any one person on my
friends list.*
And, don’t
get me wrong--I’m a big booker. Huge. I love the instant access to long distance
family photos. I love the convenience of
sharing photos of my family. I’m old
enough, that when Grant was little—I was getting film developed (I know! Crazy, right?!?), requesting “double prints,”
and dispatching hand written letters/cards with the latest photos. Facebook, by comparison, is like…magic--real
and actual Harry-Potter-with-a-wand-shouting-Expecto-Patronum-magic (nobody is
ever too old for Harry Potter).
And, like the
unreal world of Hogwarts, Facebook has its Professor Trelawneys whom have been
lovingly (or not so lovingly) dubbed ‘vaguebookers’. What is a vaguebooker, you ask? Let’s use good ol’ Trelawney as an
example. If Professor Trelawney were to
have a Facebook, I imagine her “status updates” would look something like this:
Professor Trelawney:
So sad to learn that someone will be leaving the school FOREVER come
Easter! Boo! Super bummed!!
Or:
Professor
Trelawney: Omg!
You guys will NEVER believe this.
No. It’s better not to even say. Don’t ask me.
But, let me just say: Holy Sh*t!
Or:
Professor
Trelawney: Death Omens for certain people. Fo real, yo!
Death!
And, how might people respond to such exclamatory
non-announcements?
Professor Trelawney:
It’s closer than ever…you better watch your back…it’s stalking towards
you! Growing ever closer!
Harry Potter: What, exactly, is coming for whom?
Ronald Weasley: Bloody hell....
Harry Potter: Professor?
Hermione Granger: Professor? I think we’re
all waiting for you to explain…
Neville Longbottom: *gulps*
Draco Malfoy:
LOLS…I bet this is about Potter…hahahaha…IGNF!
Harry Potter: Shut up, Malfoy!
Ronald Weasley:
Friggin’ Slytherins. What do you
expect?
Professor
Trelawney: One word: Grim.
Hermione Granger: What does that even mean?
You and this “grim” sh*t.
Seriously. Enough!
Professor
Trelawney: The Fates have informed me!
Hermione Granger:
*snorts* Well, honestly, everyone…since the FATES have informed her…*rolls
eyes*…
And, with the breakneck pace of dueling wizards: click, click—unfriended, blocked.
How does this function in real Facebook life? Maybe it’s a status update like this:
Narcissa: Dude! You guys don’t
even know! The worst thing EVER just
happened to me!
Caring: Are you ok?
Concerned: What happened?
Knowing: Omg…I heard. *hugz*
Concerned: What?
Narcissa: Thanks, Knowing. You’re
sweet. :)
Concerned: Seriously! What
happened! WTF?!?!?
Annnd…Caring & Concerned are met with:
*crickets*
Now…let’s look at this logically:
Let’s try for a quick little moment to think of Facebook as a
conversation, shall we? So, in person, suppose you
were to walk up to a group of friends and exclaim:
You:
Oh my GOD! You guys! The worst thing ever just happened to me!
Caring:
What happened?
You:
*poker face*
Concerned:
Are you ok? What happened?
You:
*avoids eye contact*
Caring:
Are you ignoring us? What the
heck…
Knowing:
Oh, you poor thing. I heard.
You & Knowing:
*embrace*
Caring:
What is going on? Do you not hear
me?
Concerned:
Do you not see me standing here?
Caring:
HELLLLOOOOO?
I feel like, were this scenario to perpetrate itself with any
regularity (ie--more than once) in the “real” world, you would be about as
liked as the "proverbial turd in the punch bowl".
(sorry…couldn’t resist the Idaho Gubernatorial debate reference…because…well…that’s
solid gold right there)
But do it on Facebook and it’s all good.
Look, I get it.
Perhaps you don’t want all the friends on your friend list to know
certain things. It might be uncomfortable if you explained:
Ie:
You:
Oh my GOD! You guys! Some people are just absolutely
disgusting. The worst thing ever just
happened to me!
Current Crush:
What happened?
You:
I got hammered, slept with a coworker in the copy room, and now…well…Hello,
Chlamydia!
Current Crush:
*runs for the hills*
Or, perhaps you’re attempting to passive aggressively lash
out at one of the friends on your list. Except that, you don’t want to actually
call them out, as there could be personal or professional ramifications if you
did so. And, yet, at the same time (keep up
with me here, people!), you actually are hoping they know it’s them you’re
calling out. But, if you actually admitted the target, it could be disastrous:
Ie:
You:
You suck. You absolutely effing
SUCK!
FB friend:
Who sucks?
You: Janice!
We got drunk at the Christmas Party…yada, yada, yada…HELLO, Chlamydia!
Boss:
You & Janice? Fired. Effective immediately. Shit canned.
So instead dealing with the ramifications of honesty, you
simply ignore anyone asking for clarification to the pronouncement you
essentially made TO them (see how this is kinda weird?). Now, when this actually happens on Facebook,
we’re annoyed. But, we can’t actually
express said annoyance because, what if your horrible day is a result of your dog
dying? How unkind would we feel to point
out how annoying we find your vaguebooking amid what might be real and actual personal turmoil? Although, it seems that when there actually
IS a pet death, people simply say so.
My advice? More
specifically, my unasked for and perhaps totally undesired advice? If you don’t want everyone to know what is
ACTUALLY going on, then—and I know this sounds totally unhinged—maybe just don’t
announce it. And, if your motives are
passive aggressive—just go ahead and take the leap from passive aggressive to straight-up
aggressive, gather the gumption (you can do it, sport!), put on your big girl
panties, and just say it. Sometimes
people suck. Maybe if they knew they’d
be called out in a public forum, they’d be gentler with their words and
actions. Or, don’t call them out. But, the whole sort-of saying it while
maintaining total deniability? It seems
a little prepubescent.
Now, I must go as I’m on the brink of having something very
important go down. It’s so vital to my
very existence, and so important that I wanted you all to know the minute it
became clear that it may or may not happen.
Why? Because I love you. Yeah, you heard me, you big goof. I.
Love. You. So much, in fact, that I wanted you to know
immediately that stuff might or might not be happening in my general vicinity
that is HUGE and completely announcement worthy. Because, gosh, my people, I am almost
certainly, totally, and yet only maybe, completely at least a teensy bit over the
moon.
Wait!
What?
Exactly.
*or maybe it is precisely aimed at one of you…and this whole
blog is an exercise in irony**
**I’m kidding! C’mon! 2 martinis and I tell everyone precisely what
I think of everything. I’m no good at
sneaky insinuations***
***Truly!
